Am I Truly Doing The Right Thing?

"No pain, no gain." Right? Well, sometimes, I wonder. Sometimes, I think I've really made a huge mistake. Then, other times, I could slap myself for being so stupid as to question the decisions I've made. I love my life, don't get me wrong. I love my husband, and I love my children. I wouldn't trade them for all the riches in the world. Maybe, I shouldn't even continue this post, that way, you won't have to know the shameful thoughts that run through my head. Then again, for the sake of being breutily honest, I'll keep writing.

 

I'm not so sure I'm cut out for being a full time stay at home mom. Maybe, I'm lazy. Maybe, I'm crazy. Maybe, I'm just lonely. What? Lonely with a 3-year-old and a 19-month-old in the house? Ok, so maybe lonely isn't the word for it. Maybe, lonely for adult conversation and companionship is what I'm trying to say. I don't know; maybe, I'm just depressed.

 

When I first found out I was pregnant with Faith, Terry and I were living in Romney, WV. It's a pretty, little town with stores, businesses and homes close enough to walk to. We had moved up there in the fall of 2003 and by the time I got pregnant, it was January of 2005. In the early days of living in Romney, my friends and I would walk nearly a mile every day. I walked aproximately a mile to work and back, 5 days a week, not counting the pleasure walks over the weekend. Even in rain, snow and chilly weather, I walked. I walked to fast food places and restaurants, the pharmacy, the doctor, the dollar store, to friends' houses, but mostly I would walk to the campus of the WV School for the Deaf and Blind, just to sit outside on a bench and enjoy the outdoors. I lost about 40 pounds in a matter of a few months, and was feeling great. Then, do to financial circumstances, we moved back home, close to my parents. I went from walking almost everyday, to almost no daily activity. I went from visiting friends on a regular basis, to only speaking on the phone every once in a while. I went from a working wife to a stay at home mom, after Faith was born in August.

 

Now, 4 years later, I have 2 beautiful daughters, a house that's always a reck, never getting out, unless it's to church and to eat, having no contact with friends, except a conversation over the phone once a week or so. I change diapers, wipe rears, give baths, fix meals, wipe noses, wash hands and faces, blog, write, crochet some, play on the internet, and rarely have a conversation with anyone over 3, except to talk about grocery lists and bills. I kiss my husband buy every morning, listen to chatter and wining all day, and when hubby comes home, I sometimes fool myself that we might get to talk, when he turns on the TV and shuts us all out. Sometimes, I call up a friend, but usually she's not able to talk. Mom calls more often these days, mostly because she's off work for the summer, but Mom's not the visiting kind; she's more like, "You need to go to the store? You want me to take the girls to the pool?"

 

I try to read in my down time...y'all know I love books, but I can barely make it through the first chapter; they just bore me, anymore. Inspired by the publication of "Wild Heart", I try to write, but mostly the ideas don't make it outside my head. I try to practice singing and playing the piano, but I've been keeping a cough that doesn't allow me to sing much, and I can't play the piano for the rugrats crawling all over me. It's sweet, and I don't mind, really, but I don't get much practicing done.

 

I try to get the girls out, at least, I used to try, but when the grass is so high, Kierstin, the baby, can't hardly walk in it and when there's the threat of a copperhead...I'm still scared by that one that was found a few weeks ago, well, I stopped trying so hard. It's summertime, and they should get out, but to where? The neighborhood park, which is really nice is full of kids all day, and I don't feel comfortable taking the girls and trying to watch them with so many kids around. I try taking them on walks, but with Kierstin not able to walk good, I have to carry her on my back, and honestly, I just don't have the energy for it. Even when she does walk better, how do I use my cane, hold Faith's hand and Kierstin's at the same time? I thought of getting one of those wagons, then they both could sit in it and I could pull them along. Not a bad idea, but where would we go? I certainly can't take it on the bus to go shopping.

 

And, speaking of walking, those 40 pounds i lost in Romney, I gained them all back, plus several more. I'm so out of shape, it isn't funny. I need a major diet and exercise plan, but who would watch the girls while I go for arobics in the pool? Or, who would drive me and watch the girls while I go for CURVES or Weight Watchers or some other diet management program? If I could just get out on a regular basis...

 

Ok, ok, I know I'm being negative, and I know it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and maybe I am, but I just don't know what else to do. I want to move back to Romney, where having a wagon would at least help, because I could walk to the store. I want a bigger house, where I can have a room special for toys that I can shut the door on when someone comes over. I hate tripping over toys on my way to answer the door.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking or begging for help; I'm just venting, here. I thought of going back to school, but who would watch the girls? How would I pay for a sitter? And, not only that, hubby wants me to stay home with them. He's got a good point, and I'm not arguing with him...I don't like the idea of someone else raising my kids, but...and this sounds so very selfish...what about me? What about my social life? Now, I know hubby doesn't have much of a social life either, so I'm not trying to say he does and I don't. It's just that, by the time he comes home, I wanna talk and he doesn't.

 

Speaking of school, you know what I thought about doing? Massage therapy. Yeah, i know it doesn't bring in much money, but I'd love to do it. The schooling is only about a year, but... So, I could send Faith to preschool, and when kierstin's old enough, do the same, but I don't want them turning out like so many public school kids; I want them to have a good Christian influence. So, where's the balance? What am I supposed to do? Have I made a huge mistake?

 

Well, I've said quite enough, I guess. I just needed to vent. Sorry if i brought you down. Didn't mean to. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I'm certain God is faithful!

From my phone

Have you ever thought how blessed we are? I mean, i'm sitting in an air comditioned van, on the parking lot at kroger. I've had so much to eat that i'm stuffed. And terry's went inside to get groceries that won't take much to prepare. I'm emailing this post from my cell phone. Now, terry and faith are back and we're headed home. Will have to go now cause it's hard to type while riding along at seventy mph, but think on it. We are truly a blessed bunch of people!

Yeah, I Know...It's been a while

Ok, so I know it's been a lil while since I've blogged. Don't have a real good excuse, except that I've been searching out some things on the internet. Got a story in mind I started writing, nothing to do with "Wild Heart" or it's sequel. Anyway, the main character was a pilot in the Air Force, but is injured over seas. So, as you probably already know, I knownothing about being a pilot nor being in the Air Force, so I had to look it up. Thank goodness for google! Well, the injury my character ends up with is a spinal cord injury. Now, i know a little about spinal cord injuries, mostly because I have had a few friends who are paralyzed, but I don't know enough. So, I googled again. I wanted to find real life stories by folks who have spinal cord injuries, and after a week of searching, I found some. Anyway, i have 16 pages so far, and I think it sounds good, but not sure. Would y'all like me to post some snippets on here? If so, lemme know.

 

I found this one video on YouTube, which features a paraplegic, someone whose level of injury simply means he or she still retains the use of their arms. The man is transfering from his wheelchair to his car, which has been adapted with hand controls, so he doesn't need his feet to drive. I was listening to him explain how he transfers and how the vehicle's controls work, and I found myself thinking, "Lucky man; at least he has his sight." Sometimes, on rare occasions such as that, I kind of wish I had been given the opportunity to choose my disability, because if I could have, I think i might have chosen to be sighted. Now, don't get me wrong, hearing is very important to me, and I wouldn't want to be deaf, but at least a deaf person can drive. I also value the use of my legs, but at least a paraplegic, like the man in the video can drive. Some people who are quadriplegic, those who have paralysis in both legs and usually both arms, can drive, some. Of course, the person who is paralyzed is probably reading this and saying, "Yeah, Shannon, but at least you can feed yourself. At least, you can go to the bathroom whenever you want. At least, you can walk on your own two legs!" So, maybe it's a blessing that we are not given the chance to choose. God, in His wisdom does know better.

 

I went to bed a couple of hours ago, fully intending to get some sleep, but tea with cafene in it tends to keep me awake, so I got up a while ago, came in here and started playing on the internet. There was a carton of Ressey Pieces here on my desk, and I'm sorry to say that while downloading an audio book, I ate them all. I held them in my mouth, chewing away and could just feel the sugar happily running around headed for my bloodstream. "YIPPY!" my body was saying. "SUGAR!" Now, however, I'm thirsty as all get out. :D

 

See, I knew I couldn't blog without talking about food. lol Well, think I'll go get a drink of water and see if this audio book is any good. Y'all keep us in your prayers; Terry's hurting a lot, and I'm struggling with something. Don't want to go in to it, just save it to say, I have an unspoken prayer request. God bless you all, and so glad you enjoy my blog.

The Book Signing

I'm of two minds about the book signing this passed weekend. In one way, I don't want to write about it, and in another, I do. I did better than last time, so that is possitive. I sold one book, which, of course is better than none, but I'm a little disappointed. It seems as if I went to all that work for nothing. I know it wasn't nothing, but it seems that way.

 

I got up around eight that morning and began getting ready. I had crocheted some dishcloths to give away if someone bought a book, so I packed those up. I was feeling bad that I had only had time to make five of them, but turns out I didn't need more than one, anyway. So, I got the girls ready, had my husband to copy a couple more CDs for me, and we went to my friend's to borrow a table to set the books and things on. Before we got fully set up, a lady came over and bought a book. I handed her a dishcloth, and was so excited to have sold one before even getting started. I kept telling myself over and over throughout the next two hours that selling one that early was a good sign. But, finally, after those two hours, I told my husband to pack it all up. I wanted to go outside and listen to the singing. My friends who sang even let me sing one of mine while they played. I should have held the microphone closer, but other than that it went well. They knew my song so well, I figure no one knew they had probably never played it before.

 

And, that's about it. We left, took the table back to my friend's house, stayed for supper, cake and ice cream, which were rather yummy, then left a while later.

 

I might have sold two books, but when the second lady heard how much it costs, she walked away. Man, I felt so guilty telling her the book costs $24.95!!! I feel so sorry for people and wish I could say, "Here, honey, take it and God bless you." But, I can't. I can sell them cheaper, which I am doing, but at some point, it's going to catch up with me, especially when this batch of books is gone and i have to order more. I keep reminding myself that God has a plan, and He knows what he is doing, but is there something else I can do to get folks to buy my books? Am I missing something here? I mean, I know I'm no Nora Roberts, Karen Kingsbury or John Grisham, but the book is good. What else can I do to make it worth your while to buy one? I had a drawing. I gave away a hand crocheted item, if someone bought one. I even gave some away. Is it just the economy?

 

Ok, I promised myself I wouldn't be negative, and I won't be. For some reason, God is allowing this book to cost this much, so I have to believe He has someone or lots of someones out there willing to pay for it. I have to believe that no matter how little or much the book is that God's word will go forth and accomplish what He wants it to. So, please pray for me that I won't grow discouraged.

All Over But the Shoutin'

And, so ends another week of Bible School. We only missed one night; Wednesday, when we went to our own church for Bible Study. Quite honestly, I had to take a night off, what with those lil kids yelling and all, so that more than anything is why we took Wednesday night off. But, all in all, it was good. Faith really came out of her shell and was making friends, answering questions and joining in the fun. Kierstin had fun, too, but most of it was over her head. Tonight we go to the program, and my dear hubby is going to video, as long as Faith doesn't chicken out; she supposed to get up in front of everyone and sing with her class. So, the picture you see is of Faith and Kierstin's class at Bible School, waring the hats and sun glasses they decorated. It's a miracle we got them to hold still long enough for the picture!

 

On to another subject, the June issue of Poetic Monthly Magazine is out now. My article is on page 58, if you would like to check it out. It's free to view online, but if you want a hard copy, it's $7.00.

 

Until next time, remember to Consider the Lord and His place in your life. Do you have room for Him in your heart?

Bible School, Snakes and Swine Flu

Life has been interesting around here, lately, as you can tell from the title of this blog. However, before I go in to detail about Bible School, Snakes and Swine Flu, let me talk a bit about my book.

 

Publish America has made my book, "Wild Heart" available in hardcover now. It's the same price as the softcover, $24.95. We have ordered one, just to see how it looks, and I'm getting excited to see it.

 

On Saturday, June 13, I'm going to be at the Street Fair in Rand, WV starting at 1:00PM. I'm going to have a table set up with books and my music CDs to sell. Also, and I'm working hard on this, I'm going to have some freebies, if you buy a book or CD. Trust me, the freebies are hand made and worth it. All you gotta do to get one is buy a book or a CD. So, if you are in or near the area, come check me out!

 

If you like audiobooks, then look out! Mine is being put in to audio right now. I'm so excited, and you will love it! So, keep checking my website

www.christianhomeplace.com

for deatails.

 

So, on to Vacation Bible School. On Monday night, I took both girls to Bible School, and about lost my mind, what with all the other little ones, plus mine. At first, Faith, my 3-year-old, was quiet, but when she saw the others joining in and answering, she started answering questions and talking, too. I was proud of her! Kierstin, my 18-month-old, spilled juice all over herself, found a little friend to play with and generally, made it difficult for me to pay attention to Faith. So, last night, Tuesday, I left Kierstin home with her daddy, and it was much easier. Faith really came out of her shell last night, too. She was even organizing a play group, telling others who would pretend to be who. Quite honestly, I'm glad no one expects me to take care of that many preschool age kids, cause I couldn't do it. More power to those who can!

 

Now, about the snakes. A friend of mine had a copperhead in her yard, and her son cut it in half and gave it a pitch that landed the snake on her roof. One of our sister churches in Charleston found a rattle snake in their basement, Sunday morning, and had to cancel services Sunday night to insure they didn't have more than one. And, last, but certainly not least, my mom's boyfriend was cutting our grass last evening, and found a copperhead under some ply wood in my backyard. He killed it, but still... I was horrified! Here, I had thought to take the girls outside to play yesterday and didn't, because Kierstin was so fussy. Thank God for her fussiness that kept us inside! What scares me the most is that I could have stepped on it and not even known until it was too late. Or, what if it bit one of the girls? They are so small, and they would have screamed, but it may have been too late for me to do anything. Oh, y'all, I tell you, I don't even want to go out there alone, anymore, but i'm praying, cause I can't let that fear keep us inside.

 

So, what about Swine Flu? Well, and this is a prayer request, too, the same church who found the rattle snake in its basement, also had a child in Bible School Monday night, who has Swine Flu. She wasn't having any symptoms, so doctors are saying it isn't likely that anyone will come down with it, but precautions are being taken, and Bible School at that church has been pospoaned. Just to note, it isn't the church where we have been going to Bible School.

 

Fshew! Is that enough to blog about or what? What with yapping preschoolers, Swine Flu and copperheads, there's never been a better time to pray!

 

Well, all this blogging has made me hungry, and Kierstin's coming back here, and Faith just got up, so I gotta git! Gonna clean out closets today, probably. Y'all take care and come see me in Rand, if you can. There will be a lot of things for kids, and I might get to sing a song or 2, as well.

Picture of kierstin

What's a girl gotta do to get a nap around here?