"No pain, no gain." Right? Well, sometimes, I wonder. Sometimes, I think I've really made a huge mistake. Then, other times, I could slap myself for being so stupid as to question the decisions I've made. I love my life, don't get me wrong. I love my husband, and I love my children. I wouldn't trade them for all the riches in the world. Maybe, I shouldn't even continue this post, that way, you won't have to know the shameful thoughts that run through my head. Then again, for the sake of being breutily honest, I'll keep writing.
I'm not so sure I'm cut out for being a full time stay at home mom. Maybe, I'm lazy. Maybe, I'm crazy. Maybe, I'm just lonely. What? Lonely with a 3-year-old and a 19-month-old in the house? Ok, so maybe lonely isn't the word for it. Maybe, lonely for adult conversation and companionship is what I'm trying to say. I don't know; maybe, I'm just depressed.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Faith, Terry and I were living in Romney, WV. It's a pretty, little town with stores, businesses and homes close enough to walk to. We had moved up there in the fall of 2003 and by the time I got pregnant, it was January of 2005. In the early days of living in Romney, my friends and I would walk nearly a mile every day. I walked aproximately a mile to work and back, 5 days a week, not counting the pleasure walks over the weekend. Even in rain, snow and chilly weather, I walked. I walked to fast food places and restaurants, the pharmacy, the doctor, the dollar store, to friends' houses, but mostly I would walk to the campus of the WV School for the Deaf and Blind, just to sit outside on a bench and enjoy the outdoors. I lost about 40 pounds in a matter of a few months, and was feeling great. Then, do to financial circumstances, we moved back home, close to my parents. I went from walking almost everyday, to almost no daily activity. I went from visiting friends on a regular basis, to only speaking on the phone every once in a while. I went from a working wife to a stay at home mom, after Faith was born in August.
Now, 4 years later, I have 2 beautiful daughters, a house that's always a reck, never getting out, unless it's to church and to eat, having no contact with friends, except a conversation over the phone once a week or so. I change diapers, wipe rears, give baths, fix meals, wipe noses, wash hands and faces, blog, write, crochet some, play on the internet, and rarely have a conversation with anyone over 3, except to talk about grocery lists and bills. I kiss my husband buy every morning, listen to chatter and wining all day, and when hubby comes home, I sometimes fool myself that we might get to talk, when he turns on the TV and shuts us all out. Sometimes, I call up a friend, but usually she's not able to talk. Mom calls more often these days, mostly because she's off work for the summer, but Mom's not the visiting kind; she's more like, "You need to go to the store? You want me to take the girls to the pool?"
I try to read in my down time...y'all know I love books, but I can barely make it through the first chapter; they just bore me, anymore. Inspired by the publication of "Wild Heart", I try to write, but mostly the ideas don't make it outside my head. I try to practice singing and playing the piano, but I've been keeping a cough that doesn't allow me to sing much, and I can't play the piano for the rugrats crawling all over me. It's sweet, and I don't mind, really, but I don't get much practicing done.
I try to get the girls out, at least, I used to try, but when the grass is so high, Kierstin, the baby, can't hardly walk in it and when there's the threat of a copperhead...I'm still scared by that one that was found a few weeks ago, well, I stopped trying so hard. It's summertime, and they should get out, but to where? The neighborhood park, which is really nice is full of kids all day, and I don't feel comfortable taking the girls and trying to watch them with so many kids around. I try taking them on walks, but with Kierstin not able to walk good, I have to carry her on my back, and honestly, I just don't have the energy for it. Even when she does walk better, how do I use my cane, hold Faith's hand and Kierstin's at the same time? I thought of getting one of those wagons, then they both could sit in it and I could pull them along. Not a bad idea, but where would we go? I certainly can't take it on the bus to go shopping.
And, speaking of walking, those 40 pounds i lost in Romney, I gained them all back, plus several more. I'm so out of shape, it isn't funny. I need a major diet and exercise plan, but who would watch the girls while I go for arobics in the pool? Or, who would drive me and watch the girls while I go for CURVES or Weight Watchers or some other diet management program? If I could just get out on a regular basis...
Ok, ok, I know I'm being negative, and I know it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and maybe I am, but I just don't know what else to do. I want to move back to Romney, where having a wagon would at least help, because I could walk to the store. I want a bigger house, where I can have a room special for toys that I can shut the door on when someone comes over. I hate tripping over toys on my way to answer the door.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking or begging for help; I'm just venting, here. I thought of going back to school, but who would watch the girls? How would I pay for a sitter? And, not only that, hubby wants me to stay home with them. He's got a good point, and I'm not arguing with him...I don't like the idea of someone else raising my kids, but...and this sounds so very selfish...what about me? What about my social life? Now, I know hubby doesn't have much of a social life either, so I'm not trying to say he does and I don't. It's just that, by the time he comes home, I wanna talk and he doesn't.
Speaking of school, you know what I thought about doing? Massage therapy. Yeah, i know it doesn't bring in much money, but I'd love to do it. The schooling is only about a year, but... So, I could send Faith to preschool, and when kierstin's old enough, do the same, but I don't want them turning out like so many public school kids; I want them to have a good Christian influence. So, where's the balance? What am I supposed to do? Have I made a huge mistake?
Well, I've said quite enough, I guess. I just needed to vent. Sorry if i brought you down. Didn't mean to. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I'm certain God is faithful!